One Week of Anxious Misadventures

Sunday: Cut own hair on whim. Keep cutting. Upon subsequent returns to bathroom, cut hair more. With desk scissors. Without looking in mirror.

Monday: Cancel yoga club. Heart beating too quickly. Postpone yoga for students until "unplugged lunch" on Wednesday, therefore rendering planning for said class yet more difficult. Leave immediately after school to return home to cut off more hair. Absorb self in work only to return to consciousness and find shoe eaten by dog. Dog still thinks dog is human. Should we have gotten a dog? A Jack Russell? A crazy Jack Russell? A highly distractible, footwear-munching Jack Russell with a leash fetish? Continue to ponder subject ad nauseam.

Tuesday: With apprehension, fit self into striped and slanted fitted dress. Remain at school until 7 PM to reorganize classroom, post recent student work on walls. Contemplate flammability of posting excessive paper on walls. Print alternately inspiring and cheesy unnecessary materials for unplugged yoga lunch from color printer and then feel guilty about doing so. Stay wide awake until approximately 12:30 AM to purchase and learn Adobe Photoshop. Edit panorama photo of updated classroom.

Wednesday: Slice overwrought (and probably over-photoshopped) images of fit people doing yoga into individual images to distribute to students for purposes of empowerment. Frantically wash strawberries and transport to school. Arrive late. Attempt to place moderately sized Tupperware into fridge. Two hours later, only one student shows up to unplugged yoga lunch. Drink water with a vengeance to carry my "Every Day In May" team to victory. (Consequently, rush in and out of class to use facilities while tallying number of vegetable and fruits consumed.) Feel irked about people not exercising, then am reminded that not everyone's first priority is winning and that not everyone displaces their less tolerable emotions onto a fitness competition. Consider origins of competitiveness. Biological? Sociological? Race through yoga with faculty and staff in brief time allotted between after-school commitments. Remain wide awake until approximately 12:30 AM doing something that seemed important at the time but can no longer be pulled from the recesses of memory. Who gets to come up with serving sizes, anyway?

Thursday: Snooze at least four times, with fear of rousing husband growing increasingly imminent. Consume outrageous amounts of water. Fear bladder explosion. Fret about potential accidental but justified copyright infringement. Laptop flashes evil message about space running out. Screaming happens. Dinner is made with help from lovely husband. Remain awake until almost 1 AM trying to catch up on blog reading and something else that was apparently not sufficiently worthy of space in brain.

Friday: Do not get out of bed. Shower, then walk dog (get sweaty), but not enough, so husband runs with dog, even though it's definitely NOT HIS JOB. Sweat too much for comfort. Ruminate on efficacy of deodorant. While driving, ask Siri to remind me to send emails. She does. Enjoy air conditioning, which has been switch on for the grandparents. Feel overwhelming sense of guilt for promising to attend school play and then crashing on couch. Wonder if it even matters if I go. If anyone will notice. Wonder if I will ruin their lives if I don't. Clean house to prepare for events on Saturday. Place allergy medicine in wicker basket in office. Stack clean laundry on chair.  Place items to be returned to Zappos in coat closet. Hope nobody brings a coat.

Saturday: Pull exhausted self out of bed to attend yoga class. (Must continue exercise regimen.) Feel sick during yoga. Does it still count for 10 points? Do chores. Clean house more. Wonder why putting items where they go requires so much willpower. Snip at husband for something he did right. Regret failure to call friends on their birthdays. Make lists of to-do items. Subsequently find that lists do not sync across all devices. Scream. Head becomes like 3 ounce toothpaste in leaky sandwich bag on a plane.

[Imagine neatly cropped image of Wikipedia entry on Dover Beach here. Blame my laptop.]

Sunday: Walk dog. Dog produces loose stools. Wonder if anyone is looking. They probably are, even they are beyond the line of sight. Attempt to scoop diarrhea from grass and fail. Extrapolation ensues: How are people who do selfish things seen by society? Are people more likely to clean up if others are watching? What does that say about us as individuals? Am I a terrible person if my dog poops twice and I only have one poop bag? Am I supposed to have the wherewithal to bring multiple poop bags? Is the elderly dude in suspenders judging me for not cleaning up? But we only went around the block. And it's still early in the morning. Sit on sofa for hours with Zappos app open. Wish app were not so well made so would not purchase so many shoes. Experience premature relief thanks to generous return policy. Cuddle with dog. Contemplate chopping off more hair. Decline to do so. Wish I had not cut so much. Sink into despair at the irretrievability of human actions. Attempt to record next episode of Fahrenheit 451 for students. Hard drive is full. Adjust Dropbox settings to make more room on hard drive. Dog mounts leg. Shriek. GarageBand sends cryptic error message. Bang head against laptop. Rack brain for something, anything, about Matthew Arnold, yet shamelessly look to Wikipedia to explain allusion on page 96 about "Dover Beach." Feel like fraud for not knowing everything about book prior to teaching it. Make another to-do list. Hope this one syncs across all devices and potential screaming will be averted. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.